Ten Quick Ways to Kill Your Husband

By Dr. Jean Mayer,

Professor of Nutrition, Harvard University

1. Fatten him up. Excessive overweight increases his chance of succumbing to diabetes, liver and kidney disease, stroke and heart attack.

2. Keep him sitting down. Strongly discourage any departure from sedentary life. Don’t let him walk to the station – drive him. If he gets any ideas about gardening, playing football with the kids, or the like, switch to a football game on TV, suggest a long ride in the country or call friends over for a slow game of bridge. Be generous; if he plays a golf, buy him a golf cart.

3. Feed him lots of saturated fats. Give him all the foods he loves that don’t love him: good country butter, well-marbled steaks, deep fried potatoes and chicken, most of all, bacon and eggs. Avoid broiled fish; in fact, never broil anything if you can fry it.

4. Load him down with salt. This is likely to push his blood pressure, and if it’s already a little high, you can push it right off the top of the gauge while you send his life expectancy down to the bottom of the chart.

5. Ply him with coffee. There is no proof that it will give him a heart attack any sooner, but there’s a possibility, so why miss a chance? At any rate, caffeine may promote insomnia, which is definitely injurious to health.

6. Keep him well supplied with liquor. Make his drink stiff and make them sweet or sweet and fat – Manhattans or brandy alexanders fill the bill.

7. Don’t let him run out of cigarettes. They are the would-be widow’s best friend. Buy him a lighter; he’ll be reluctant to quit and waste the expense.

8. Don’t let him relax. Judicious overspending will prevent him from being able to afford a vacation – and the chance of exercise, relax, and escape from your cooking.

9. Keep him up late. In addition to coffee and late-night television, frequent entertainment of friends and reserving bedtime for bringing up worrisome matters should wear him down and prepare the way for the “cardiovascular storm” that will carry him off and allow you to get back to regular hours.

10. Never let up the nagging and the worrying. Money and children are hot topics and, for good measure, throw in a question about the man in the office who just got a promotion.

Note : The summary of the original article is provided here to promote public awareness of healthier lifestyle. The full article originally appeared in The Ledger, on July 17, 1974.